Things are really starting to make a lot of sense to me now.
I don’t know the exact point it really hit me, or why, I have some ideas, some of them common sense and some of them pretty far out there.
The big thought? That things don’t have to be a certain way, nothing has to stay as it is, change is a good thing.
You know what this yeah has been like? It has honestly been like a goddamn nightmare. That is probably what one of the very first men who had a wife suddenly decide she’s not going to be the 50’s Nuclear House wife. When he suddenly had to learn how to cook for himself, back when many men didn’t even know how the oven worked.
He probably thought that first year was a nightmare. His wife just going out, and doing THINGS, with PEOPLE! Having a job, and her own MONEY!? Her own power?
I don’t mean just the breakup either, I mean EVERYTHING. See in that little analogy about the evolution at the turn of the nuclear family, not only did the women’s lives change, but so did the mens. The men HAD to suddenly learn to adapt to this new way of doing things, the had to, and GOT to add certain things to their lives that they previously didn’t. They got a change in their relationship with their children, and a more vivid experience in life.
It didn’t come without a price, of course, but it was worth it. I have family members that talk of that time, where a wife had a giggle watching her husband learn to fold his own clothes, and he punched her out.
That is the point where I feel like with LIFE. I feel like this whole episode with the tanning salon, and the girlfriend, and the job, and the school. All these arguments, and fights, and late nights.
I haven’t even read anything I have written. I just experienced it, most people would say that time flies, that you don’t know where the time goes. Not me, this last 6 months has felt like an ETERNITY.
Why? Because I was fucking hating it, everything was just so shitty. Life was changing, faster than I wanted it to, all I seen were the bad things. I refused to see the good things, because I was ATTACHED to the comfort of my old lifestyle. All this writing, I am thinking, has just been my mind trying to tell myself how INSANE that last 7 years was. How it was unrealistic and chaotic, sure it was a lot of fun but it was unsustainable and it finally caught up with me. It’s like I needed to convince myself that it was a good thing, everything that has happened, and that it’s ultimately for the better.
I think I might have myself convinced, I don’t know why or how it suddenly hit, but it’s like I have been looking at life in two dimensions for the last 6 months. With no idea how to get over and go around certain issues in my life. The inability to find the reason to put in any effort again. None of the big obvious red blinking lights worked, that is for sure, but something about this blog, and all the writing.. the hours and hours and hours of writing. The risky confessions that scared the shit out of me. The anger and emotion, things that needed to be said, finally out in the open. Saying good-bye to lost friends, and thank you to life long ones. Now that all of it is done, there really isn’t much point to be attached to or live in that era anymore.
It is time for a new era, a new chapter in life, not a constant excuse for the old one, or this theme of self pity or self loathing for an alteration to the norm. I was bored, unchallenged. Every time I got back on top with that salon I got complacent. Clearly it wasn’t me, I need to find something more me. Sometimes you have to evolve with life, it might not even seem obvious. Even if it seems obvious to others, you might not see it.
I can think of three people, off the top of my head, that could afford to go RE-READ that sentence, and take it as serious as a heart attack. They would probably have told me to do the same though. Sometimes the obvious, just isn’t all that obvious! Common sense really isn’t so common anymore because we are so wrapped up in trying to stay comfortable, in an uncomfortable world. It makes us stale, sedentary, and mediocre.
The constant evolution of life has come from the constant evolution of the mind, the daring to dream bigger, to dream of things that didn’t make any sense. Everything, from understanding the science to beat plague and malarian in ancient rome, to the concept of inventing the gun, something we still use centuries later. The horse is no longer on the battlefield, but we still use bullets and gun powder. I am pretty sure there are full grown adults that have no idea how a gun works, even though it has been a part of our lives since the 10th CENTURY.
I mean, all of this was crazy! The idea of mapping the stars, on PAPER, with foggy glass for the purpose of oceanic exploration? That shit was the equivalent to us going on a trip to the moon or mars today.
Electricity, Telephones, the Internet, Airplanes, cars, the Stock Market, the printing press, medicine, the scientific method, even language, all of them, huge monumental undertakings in evolution. Points where the entirety of human civilization suddenly tipped and ideas spread like wildfire. When the first gun showed up in the form of the Fire Lance in Asia, it wasn’t long before the entire world had discovered guns. Same thing with Money and everything else.
Even now, there is a global awakening on our hands, millions and millions of people from all over the world, coming online, joining the global conversation. From Clean water to communication tools, they are all becoming extremely abundant, and we don’t even see it. We even resist it in the way we resist other genders and races becoming equal, how foolish is that? As more and more countries experience abundance, families get smaller, and resources stabilize as well as become more efficient. When this happens, more people can become more educated, and with the diversity of ideas that comes fro more heads working on common problems, new innovations suddenly take hold in a dramatic shift of human evolution. In many cases, this is brought on by the collaboration in a competitive nature, to be recognized for doing great things.
This has had negatives too. I mean, on a much larger scale the resistance to racism, or holocaust due to the uprising of new ideas, has just been an evolution of the problems and complications as well. Yet we have continued to always grow from it.
No matter what scale you put this on, you can find an example. From classrooms, to peoples lives, from tribes in Africa to complicated wars between millions, there has been good moments, calm moments, horrible moments and chaotic ones too.
Yet we have still managed to move forward, to bring the balance back the other way and continue to expand and grow.
This occurs on the smallest scale as well, we as people.
I have been so attached to the past, that I have tried to prolong it. This is the part of all those books like A New Earth, that I always seem to ignore. I get the whole “Try to think only in the now” stuff, and I just don’t think of it being possible. I see it as trying to effectively lobotomize the human mind, to prevent it from every aspiring to something greater. I always resist the concept, because I think it’s saying we just need to look around and see how pretty all the colours are.
And that shit just sounds dumb.
I like cars, someone had to dream a lot of shit that wasn’t in front of them, to figure that out.
I never considered PAST tense though, when considering the whole “power of now” concept. I didn’t even think it was a problem, that I was always so concerned about the future, that I clearly wasn’t “living in the past”.
Well, suffice to say, the future is just a prediction based on your decisions, which are usually focused around events from the past. You don’t even notice it, but you are living in the paradigms of what happened to you. So if you think you can’t do something, you never will, because you never did, so you probably wont. Doesn’t matter if it’s make money, lose weight, learn to juggle, whatever. Fear of past failures, and attachment to past successes, make you very unable to accurately predict the future, and you will usually be unsatisfied because the past in the past for a reason. Those experiences change you, and the better you learn to understand those experiences and how they are changing you, as they happen, the better off you are in the future. And pretty much by accident.
Now I am not saying, don’t dream about a vacation, or that I won’t. What I am saying is go ahead, it’s okay to want things, and change. But you really need to turn down the volume a little bit each day, and think about how all these experiences coming at you rapid fire are changing you, and evolving your mind.
Think about a caveman in todays world, to really UNDERSTAND the contrast. A caveman would not be able to handle thinking or writing, or hurtling down a mountain strapped to a glossy piece of wood. While also keeping track of the time, being mindful of getting back to the chalet for lunch. Being able to operate a car, text messaging 5 people on a cellphone, while listening to the radio, planning your night out, and thinking of what you are going to wear.
But we do it. That is SENSORY OVERLOAD for a cave man. Our minds are capable of so much, sometimes we forget to apply it to the current day, or moment. Sometimes you just need to STOP, shut the fuck up, stop moving, and LISTEN. Hear what is going on around you, listen to what others are saying, take their advice, internalize it, and break free of that attachment to the past or future to apply all your minds energy to what you are currently dealing with.
Everyone knows those moments, athletes know it when they are “in the zone” and it is nothing but net all night. Comedians know it when their gig just flows so perfectly that they don’t even think about the words, they just watch a few hundred faces and communicate with an entire crowd at once. Some times you might have been in that argument where you had all the right answers and totally stuffed your opposition. Guys, every time you went for THAT girl, we all have em. We all got varying levels of game, but let’s face it, we are meant to swing for the fence, and we all know those times when you do, it freaked you out a bit, but in the moment you didn’t think about anything but getting that girl to give you a number. You might even arrogantly chalk it up to game, but the real truth is being in the moment.
These are those conquering competitive moments in life, where we just tune the rest of the noise out, and get shit done.
This is where you get to go big. Swing for the fence, have your ‘At BAT’ and knock one out the park. That is the part where you get to see the hole and run through it, no matter what gets thrown at you, it’s just dig in, pivot, and turn and get wherever it is you are trying to go. Have a goal, but experience “in the moment.” I got a taste of that when I shut totally cut out cellphone, email, social media, and unlimited sources of electronic entertainment.
The world got a lot quieter and I think that might be where I really start to get my bearings straight, because I see things VERY differently now.
So with that, I am going to shut down the blog for now. I think I am going to take some time off, and just focus on me for a bit. I might still write, but it won’t be published, I really appreciate any and all of you who have taken the time to read my story. Whether in whole or in part, it was great getting some of your messages, and seeing my stats, as many of you Lurkers just click on, read a story or two, and leave without saying a word.
If any of you like, feel free to sign up as a subscriber, I won’t email any of you junk mail, wordpress doesn’t really allow me to do that. All it does is send you an e-mail when I publish a new post.
Thanks again for reading, I am going to be shutting down some of the more distracting social media for a bit, until I don’t have a need for it that is more pressing than killing time. I will see you all when I reactivate it.
I will still – obviously – have e-mail because lets face it you cannot survive without some of the basics nowadays. 😉
Feel free to contact me there, AdamSand@me.com
Music I listened to During this Post
If there was a song to close on,